if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
