I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
