He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
