??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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