I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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