Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
