I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
