I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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