other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Randomize
