Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
