Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
