Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
i think we sleep fucked last night...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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