I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
