he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
