Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
