is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
