There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
