Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
