When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
