Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
