just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
