Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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