I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
