Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
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