I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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