There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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