That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
