theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Randomize
