I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
