Kareoke will never be a sober sport
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
