you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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