I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
