My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i think i have two assholes
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
