Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
