On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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