god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
