I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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