hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You pole danced in your parka.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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