WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
