So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
