Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
