Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
