last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Randomize
