How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
