i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
