We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
