literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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