i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
