I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
