i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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