The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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