So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
