I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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