Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
