Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
